Death did us part.

"so how do you cope with death?

you don't. you accept it and you let it pass. you never stop it or divert it elsewhere. it comes with a purpose and you just have to let it go as it is.

even if it hurts like hell. especially when it hurts like hell." - lovehunters.blogspot.com

His death was something i cant cope with. Accept it? No. I cant accept it either. At least not for the last five days and for the next few months/years.

So, i had tears to make up for the lost.

He would've hated me. He would have stopped me from crying over his death cause it was inevitable. It was.

I still cried. Whenever i listened to our songs or re-read our emails over and over again, i will still cry.

But, I felt better now. A lot better.

I had the boy tucking me to sleep, hugging me tighter in his arms and making me sleep like a baby.

He said I love yous endlessly now, so has i. That is something i wont take advantage of from now on.

He told me, ".... you still have me now, baby." How prompt... how apt.

and i thank my lucky stars for an understanding and outstanding doteful husband.

Thinking about Yus, now i understand. He was confidante, my long-distance virtual lover, my best friend, my hero. But he's not anymore.

Yus has passed away. He's no longer breathing, no longer running, no longer swimming, no longer studying, no longer jumping, no longer looking, no longer yearning for me. No more. And i have to learn to live with it.

And how did i do not know about his death for two years is totally not my fault.

Maybe he wanted me to know only now instead of then. Y now i asked. Maybe it was Yus who whispered into my heart to search for him the way I did. Y now, i asked again.

I still miss Yus, but i have the boy now. I miss a friend to talk to, but i have a husband now. And nobody can change that fact.

But now, everytime i sniffed the smell of frangipani flowers in the night, i smiled. It could've been you all along Yus. It could've been you.

Al-fateha to a smart loving friend I used to own. I'll miss you.

:) eleh, you know i do..